Sacred Ground

Yesterday was the first day we took baby Caleb to Ryan's grave. We could have taken him sooner being that he is four months old, but I found myself avoiding it. Yesterday I really felt compelled to go. It was a very cold and overcast day, but as we stood there by Ryan's grave it was very still and peaceful. We talked to Caleb about Ryan and told him all about his big brother, everything we learned and loved about him in those short days we had him. It was a feeling I can't put into words, so much joy as I held my perfectly healthy baby in my arms and felt Jonathon's arm around me, yet I had an inner ache, wishing I could feel another little body holding onto me. I know Caleb obviously had no idea where we were or what we were doing, but someday he will, just like Jonathon. Jonathon is always excited to go to the cemetery, I don't know what he really thinks, but he's always happy and content there. I know that Ryan was near in spirit. It was hard, hard hard hard, as we stood there on sacred ground. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, don't miss him terribly. I'm so grateful for Caleb's presence in our lives though, he is truly healing our hearts, softening the anger, dulling the pain, each day. I always wonder how visiting a cemetery where their brother was buried will effect my kids in the future. I can't imagine if that were me, growing up visiting a brother of mine who died as a baby and how that would have changed my perspective on many things and the way I lived my life. I know it will be for the better, Ryan's siblings will greatly benefit from knowing his story, I know they will be more compassionate, sensitive and loving people with an eternal perspective always in mind. We love you Ryan Christopher, until we meet again!