Ryan's 5th Birthday and Heaven Day

Ryan's 5th Birthday and Heaven day has come and gone, quicker than I thought possible. This is the first year where I didn't bawl my eyes out from the harrowing memories of his sudden birth, the four days we had with him in the hospital, and then the heart wrenching moments when I watched him pass away in my arms or when I held him for the last time before he was layed in his casket. A friend at church, my hair dresser, and other people, all asked what I was doing over the weekend of his heaven day. Normally, I would have lied and made up something to avoid talking about it, but this year I didn't. These people didn't know about Ryan, so I had to tell the story and tell what I was actually doing, celebrating and honoring my Ryan. I did it all without tears, a first. It took five years....

It was busy with the kids and having a newborn that I really didn't get to sit and think too much, which I guess is good. But even at night as I layed in bed thinking of all the events surrounding him, I didn't cry either. The one moment that I teared up was on his birthday making his cake (I'm no cake decorator fyi). I was making the cake with Caleb, I thought it would be a fun way to let him feel involved with his big brothers birthday. As I was mixing the ingredients a wave of emotion hit me and I was more mad than anything. So angry that there I was making a cake for my son who can't even eat it with us. Who wouldn't be there to blow out his number five candle and smile as he opened presents at his party. It all seems so unfair. So as I was finishing up decorating it, I was doubting my efforts. Thoughts of "what's the point" flooded my mind. And then my anger passed and I realized that for me and my family this how we honor and celebrate him. I remembered that I still wanted to do things as if he were there, so that as he watches us, as I know that he does, he can see our efforts and can see that we are treating him like a member of the family. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it does in my mind.

I made a white cake, because he's my angel, with white frosting and gold sprinkles. Ryan means little king, so I thought the gold symbolized his name. And the sunflower is Ryan's flower, because he is my "son." I know I'm weird, I have to tie in symbols and meaning into everything.

We had the family over and sang happy birthday (I hope he heard!) The boys blew out his candle for him and we enjoyed the evening reminiscing and watching his birth video. (Normally I bawl through that too as I see his little adorable body on the screen, his fingers squeezing my pinky, his little eyes working so hard to stay open when I talked or sang to him, so wishing he could be here).

Heaven day we traditionally had donuts (angel halos) and wrote messages on white balloons and sent them to Heaven. The boys always love doing this. This year Jonathon was really into the message he was writing to his little brother. It was so sweet. He spent the longest time writing. I caught a few glimpses that said things like "you're cute" and "I miss you" and "buddy." Jonathon gets emotional when we talk about Ryan, he was only 2 but I think he remembers that time more than we realize.

Our little family about to send them off. *** Funny story: So my parents have these three really tall trees in their backyard and after we released the balloons a few got stuck way up in the branches. The boys were so sad and wanted  their balloons to get to their brother and yet there was no way we could reach them two stories high. So, leave it to my dad to get out his bb gun and try and shoot the branches to break them away from the balloon strings. So not very part of our normal quiet ceremony. Then of course the boys wanted to try and they were loving shooting the bb gun. Finally, it was my brothers shot that did the trick and released the balloons to Heaven. I was laughing as I thought about how Ryan would be laughing too at all of us trying to get these dang balloons free with a bb gun!

Caleb watching his balloon fly away to his big brother. So sweet!

My mom is so sweet. She set up her whole table with all things white for our angel. White donuts, white drinks, white gumballs and rock candies, and white candles :)

I can't believe it's been 5 years. It seems like yesterday I was going in for my regular OB check up and my DR. told me I was in labor! At 30 weeks along I was so scared. We tried hard to keep him in but the following morning at 6:13 am he was born. My little 2 1/2 pound guy. All the sad moments: watching him struggle for his life, the tubes, the machines, his passing, after he passed and the nurse came in and confirmed that his heart stopped... it felt like I was in a dream. It was like I was living outside of myself. I couldn't believe he was gone and that it was all happening to me. I couldn't make myself believe I was holding my baby who was gone. Because I could still feel him near. Words can't describe how I could still feel him but yet I was holding his little frail body. Words can't describe the pain I felt when I had to hand him over to the nurses to take him away after family and friends came to see him. I kept thinking I can't just hand him over. He's mine. I want to keep him and take him home! I didn't think I could physically do it, I thought someone would literally have to pry him out of my arms. But I did it. I let him go. And a piece of me died... and that piece will always remain dead until I can hold him again. What a great day that will be! I know he lives. I know he is doing great things right now! Though his life on earth was short, his life was a big one. He taught me and many others more than anyone could in 100 years of living. His spirit you could just feel from a mile away how strong and valiant he was and is. He taught us courage, he taught us hope, faith, and he taught us how to love deeper. So deep.

We love you Ryan! Happy birthday to my little prince.