Time out for Women!

Excuse my 7 month bigness :)

My Mom, Aunt Julie and I were able to escape for the weekend to attend Time out for Women! Jake took his very first wedding off, (It's been a year, about time!) allowing his employees to show what they've got. Thankfully everything went well without him there, so he was able to enjoy a boys weekend with Jonathon and Caleb. He took them to In-N-Out, the movies, played baseball at the park, to Jonathon's karate graduation, etc. They had a blast. The boys have a very fun dad, they are daddy's boys for sure, and I'm so grateful for that!

It was nice to get away with two of my favorite women. We stayed at a hotel together, stayed up late talking, relaxed in the hot tub, had breakfast, lunch and dinner together, and enjoyed the conference. The speakers were all really great and the musical performances were wonderful. The items for sale at the event were awesome too, I got some decor for the boys' room, a cute necklace for me, some Utah truffles for me too :) and a book for Jake.  Overall it was a great weekend!

It was interesting the pathway the talks took, they all turned out to be very similar. When I returned home from the time out, I felt like I needed another time out from the time out because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted! Sitting for hours with a bad back didn't help matters. Even though the presenters were amazing speakers and people, the stories were hard to hear. Almost all but a few talks and messages were centered on tragic losses, and how to endure them well. I was surprised because I thought the theme "higher" would be presented in a different way. Each tragic story after another, from a baby boy dying from whooping cough, to an entire family from a drunk teenage driver, to a dear cute little niece, was so heart wrenching and sad. And it brought me back. Back to those dark days five years ago this summer. Time heals to some degree, but I cried a lot and tried to hide my tears talk after talk. It was hard to hear. I wanted fun, up beat, motivational talks to give me the energy I need as a mom and things. I was beginning to feel depressed and didn't want to hear anymore. Until it hit me.

This was what I needed to hear! The past five years I have stayed on this safe plateau, made excuses, built up walls, and ignored an inner anger I told myself I didn't have. I realized then and there that for the past five years I have been mad at God. Let down by him. And though I'm ashamed to say it and had convinced myself it wasn't so, it was and my actions and attitudes reveal it. I know in my mind that this was His will for our family, for Ryan and there are higher purposes than mine. But I realized that, after living a whole life of trying to do everything right, to show my love for God and family and for myself, I was left with the biggest nightmare, let down and tragedy. So I fell into this stooper of, what am I doing then? What is this all for then when I try to do everything right, I am punished, painfully punished. After this conference I learned, though I thought I learned and understood this concept already, but I didn't, that God gives us these trials so we can become who we need to be, who we are meant to be, who He knows we can be, who our families can be. It's as simple and hard as that. I have always said that I wasn't ever angry with Ryan's loss, I didn't feel guilt, I'm so thankful for that, because it was totally out of all of our hands, his condition. But as I look back at some of my thoughts, feelings and actions over the past few years, I realize that I was. I stopped doing everything right, I became lazy, going through the motions, because I felt forsaken. I can say now, and I'm so grateful for this, that I have a tiny glimpse of how the Savior felt on that cross, all alone, in pain, when he asked God why He had forsaken him. The savior has felt everything! Including my own pains, all alone, from God even for a moment. So, if he had to go through those things, to be lifted higher, then so do we.

From many of the stories I realized it could always be worse! I suddenly felt an enormous amount of gratitude towards God, for ALL of my blessings! Each blessings started shooting through my head like shooting stars, one by one, from smallest to biggest and I  realized in that moment how VERY blessed I am! After that, I immediately felt so bad, so guilty, for taking these things for granted, these things that have been over shadowed in the past by my grief. I know He forgives me, I know He understands, and I know He will make it all right and all worth it. If there is one thing I walked away from, from this time out for women, it was humility. I was so humbled. I'm so thankful for that, it has awakened something higher within me.