Content Communicating

Jake and I are listening to these CD talks by Dr. John Lund that we recently found and were curious to listen to together. It is called For All Eternity and we love listening to them. Jake and I are always seeking for better ways to improve ourselves and our marriage and we just laugh at these CD's because he is so funny and the things he talks about are so true in regards to the difference between men and women and our communication skills. We have learned some really cool techniques and I thought I would share one of the recent tips we have learned. It is called content communicating, aka, owning your words, and it comes from Dr. Lund's Ten Articles of Commitment.

So for all your married folk out there or for anyone in a relationship for that matter, this is how to own your words:

I will own my words and be responsible for the verbal content of my messages. I will say what I mean and mean what I say. I will avoid hint dropping and relying upon body language or nonverbal means of communicating. I will not expect others to read my mind or discern the intent of my expectations. I will own my words in a respectful manner. I will not parent my equals by suggesting what they should, need, or ought to do.

I found this so fascinating because it is so true and as I looked at it from an outsiders perspective, I was so shocked at how bad that is, communication wise, and what wrong messages that sends that just lead into arguments. I know women are masters at this... all the drama. He gave this example in his talk; a man asks his wife if she wants to go see this particular movie and she pauses, then sighs, then answers "yeah," with a look of annoyance. He describes how in communicating we look at four things, facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and the actual words being said. So, with this wife's response, she said "yeah," but her face, body language, and tone of voice said no! How confusing for this man. And yet we get mad at our spouses if they don't figure out our mixed messages and we are hurt when they can't "read our minds." Dr. Lund calls this very unrealistic and unfair.

He also shares a story about his mother, whom he called the queen of hint dropping! He said he remembers one night at dinner his mom started sniffing like she smelled something bad and right away he knew what that meant, by years of becoming familiar with her hints, that the trash needed to be taken out. However, his father was old school and did not understand this form of communcation so he offered her a hanky from his back pocket. Result, she got mad at her husband for not getting the hint! Fair... realistic.... no. Both stories above are examples of not owning our words.

So, anyway, I am going to try and and commit myself to the ten articles of commitment, which you can read here, because I want to be a more loving person, which Dr. Lund says is the ending result in following these articles. I love Jake more than anything and want to be the most loving spouse for him, he deserves one.

There are some other really good education materials from Dr. Lund here all about bettering our marriages that I find very helpful too. Check out the Magnificent Seven, it seems simple, but I have read many things about how doing these simple things everyday for one another, and living it myself in our marriage of almost five years, can save a marriage. Enjoy friends!